Of all the utensils that could have been invented to eat grains of rice with, how did two small straight sticks win out?
The overworked should remember the out-of-work.
For what kind of tooth can you be sure the tooth fairy will leave exactly one dollar?
A buck tooth
If there's 'H2O' on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside?
"K9-P"
What is the term for a ticket for a sleeping compartment on a train?
A Berth Certificate
What would you get if you crossed a parrot with a centipede?
A walkie-talkie
Before the law of gravity was passed, did stuff just float around?
At his retirement party, the tailor received a fitting tribute.
To become a rodeo star, you must first learn the ropes.
Never use wet wood in your fireplace. You should always let weeping logs dry.
An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.
A recent study found that the U.S. has a higher obesity rate than Canada. Then again, maybe we just look fatter because our flag has horizontal stripes.
First Law of Job Distraction: The more work you have to do, the more appealing YouTube piano-playing cats become.
I think the most dangerous kind of bear is the bipolar bear, because you never know what he's going to do.
We're really pleased with our baby daughter's progress. At just 11 months, she already has the same walking and language skills as Ozzy Osbourne.
Some things you have to do every day. Eating seven apples on Saturday night instead of one a day just isn't going to get the job done.
I have been on a new diet which consists of a lot of chicken, turkey and cornish game hens. I'm losing weight, but it sure leaves a fowl taste in my mouth.
Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the world, they are landing at sunset. This causes the earth to spin on its axis.
Where do sheep go for haircuts?
To a baa-baa shop.
What do whales like to chew?
Blubber gum
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny.
As long as the imperial system is in place a ruler will be afoot.
Creditors have better memories than debtors.
Who was the only person who always got his work done by Friday?
Robinson Crusoe.
Did you hear about the mime who went shopping?
He only bought unmentionables.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
Last year, Chewbacca threw out the first pitch for opening day. He was 'Wookiee of the Year.'
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Their age.
Are skunks good at playing games?
No! They stink at everything.
How you can tell a dogwood tree?
By its bark.